


all the things we never said

by pindips



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Coming Out, Drug Use, Fluff and Angst, Gen, High Shenanigans, Nothing Bad Has Ever Happened Ever, Tommy is a good brother, Useless lesbian Ellie, joel has a fun day out with his bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:41:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26358883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pindips/pseuds/pindips
Summary: Joel finds some of Ellie's brownies and eats them, not knowing that they're pot brownies. He goes on some unexpected adventures and gets closer with the people he loves most.
Kudos: 37





	all the things we never said

**Author's Note:**

> I guess you could say it's the aPOTcalypse ;D

It was one of those rare days where Joel didn’t have patrol. Still, he rose with the sun, his back to the kitchen sink as he sipped his coffee (black, very expensive to trade for but worth every priceless memento he could scrounge up to satisfy the need). 

Although he had today off, he had gone to sleep early last night, unaware of the havoc Ellie wreaked in the kitchen while he slumbered until he walked in that morning and immediately became exasperated with his ward. Bowls, spoons, and cups were strewn everywhere, and he had spent the time waiting for his coffee to brew cleaning up after her. He noticed the tray on top of the oven, covered with a cloth, and peeked under it to find what Ellie had turned his kitchen upside down for -- brownies. 

Joel was very much a man who enjoyed routine. He always had his coffee in the morning _before_ brushing his teeth, never after, he trimmed up his beard every Wednesday, said hello to Ellie just before he left the house every day, sat on his porch every night and played his guitar, hummed and sang if he was in a good mood. Not one to eat sweets first thing in the morning, but he’d woke up feeling good today, and he figured that Ellie owed him for kindly cleaning up after her. So he ate one. And it was so good that he ate another. Then he said fuck it and had a third one, because who was gonna stop him? 

It had been about a half hour since and he was working on his second cup of coffee, listening to Fleetwood Mac on a Victrola he had been fortunate enough to find more or less intact in the nearby ski lodge. In the midst of his mid-morning contentment, Ellie entered the house, tired eyes and hair in a state of disarray. 

“Mornin’,” he greeted, setting his coffee down. “Thanks for leavin’ me a mess to wake up to.”  
  


“Sorry, Joel. I was really tired last night and forgot you were off today -- I was gonna do the dishes while you were working.” 

“That’s okay. I took a few brownies for my troubles.” 

Ellie’s sleepy face shifted to one of horror. “You what?”

“I… ate some of your brownies? I’m sorry if you --”

“Joel -- I can’t -- you just --” she paused, rubbing slow, soothing circles into her temples with the pads of her fingers. “They weren’t just _any_ brownies, Joel.” 

He furrowed his brows for a brief moment before it dawned on him. “Ellie… what the fuck.” 

Ellie winced, not knowing what he felt, but knew he wasn’t altogether pleased, as the F word did not fall from his lips very often. 

“How long ago did you eat them?”

“About a half hour ago.”

“They’re gonna kick in soon, then. And you ate… how many?”

“Three.”  
  


“Jesus Christ, Joel.”

“I haven’t had brownies in a long time!” Joel defended, feeling slightly sheepish. 

“Guess it’s a good thing you don’t have patrol today.”

“Yeah, but this is not how I wanted to spend my day off,” he rebutted, glowering down at her, unamused. 

“Well, you’ve been high before, right?” 

“Not since 1996.”

“Damn, you’re old,” Ellie remarked snidely, causing Joel’s eyes to narrow at her. She sighed and offered words of advice and comfort, saying, “You’ll be fine. Just like… drink water, eat snacks, relax. You’ll have a good time. I’ve gotta go --”  
  


“What? You’re gonna leave me here like this?” asked Joel in disbelief. 

Ellie shrugged. “I have patrols.”

Joel began to feel slightly panicked knowing just how much THC he had unknowingly ingested. 

“You’re not gonna overdose on weed, I promise.” 

And with that, she walked out of the door, leaving Joel gaping after her. 

_Alright, Joel, it ain’t gonna be that bad. If you make it more than it is, you’ll make it worse for yourself. Just calm down._

After sipping the last remaining dregs of his coffee then walked to the Victrola and turned the record on its B side. He then sat on the couch and waited for the feelings to come, bouncing his legs in impatience, as if he could simply take the high and win over it, much like anything else in his life since the outbreak. 

A knock on the door pulled him from his anxious thoughts. Through the glass square, he saw Tommy peering in and rose to get the door. His vision swam before him slightly, as if he was viewing the world through the bottom of a glass jar. 

_Oh shit._

Nonetheless, he opened the door, an uncharacteristically toothy grin adorning his face. 

“Heyyy, little brother.” 

“Dear God, what did she do to you,” asked Tommy in a deadpan voice, looking as exasperated as Joel had felt earlier in the kitchen. “Ellie told me what happened and sent me to keep an eye on you.” 

“Why is my mouth so dry?” Joel blurted, his fingers reaching toward his open mouth, poking and prodding his tongue as if of their own volition. 

“Let me get you some water,” groaned Tommy, moving past Joel and into the kitchen. 

To Joel’s surprise, he felt good. Thirsty, but unburdened by an invisible weight he had carried for years, lofty and drifting in a dream-like state. A pinprick of anxiety edged at the back of his mind, threatening to remind him that his current state of ease was unnatural, but he instead began to sway to the music, only allowing Stevie Nicks’ crooning to penetrate this temporary feeling of carelessness. 

“What the hell are you doin’, boy?” asked Tommy, cutting through Joel’s daydreams to jam a glass of water into his hand. 

“Jesus, you sound like Pa.” 

Scoffing at that notion, Tommy sat down on Joel’s couch to look up at his brother, watching in near disbelief at his behavior. 

“Shit, I think I need to drop by Eugene’s…” 

“That’s where Ellie got it from? Figures,” breathed Joel, eyes closed and head tilted toward the ceiling as he continued to sway in time with the music. “Eugene was always a little more… free-spirited.” 

“Yeah,” Tommy replied, chewing his bottom lip. “Hey, you wanna go do somethin’? Just you and me?” 

Joel stopped to look at Tommy, his eyes already bloodshot. “What were ya thinkin’?” 

“Now I don’t wanna go too far -- I don’t trust your judgement with a gun right now,” Tommy prefaced, fingers scraping through his beard absentmindedly. “But I thought maybe we could go for a swim in the lake and then get some grub.” 

He hesitated, feeling uneasy. “What if people know?” 

Tommy laughed at that, shaking his head. “They ain’t gonna know. Nor are they gonna care.” 

Considering the isolation of the lake and his hope that the feelings would fade by the time they went to get food, he agreed, his crow’s feet wrinkling around his eyes as he cracked another rare smile. “Yeah, I’d like that.” 

“Alright, let’s go.” 

* * *

“Come on, Tommy, just do a cannonball. Don’t be scared.”

“Joel, stop --” his pleas were cut short by Joel shoving him towards the opaque surface of the lake, which Tommy crashed through with a resounding splash. His visible discomfort pleased Joel, who was laughing almost to the point of tears. The smugness didn’t last, however, as Tommy yanked him in with a tug on his ankle, Joel’s yell of surprise filling the humid air. 

When Joel resurfaced, he whipped the wet tendrils of his coarse hair away from his face. “You’ve gotten strong, little brother.” 

“And you’ve gotten slow,” retorted Tommy before turning on his back and swimming away from him. A lone minnow swam across Joel’s toes, eliciting a small chuckle from the older man. 

“You know, it’s been a long time since we’ve done this,” he said, his voice slightly raised to reach his brother at the lake’s near-opposite end. 

Tommy almost wanted to play dumb, ask him “Done what?” but he withheld the impulse and simply replied with a soft, “Yeah.”

“It’s nice,” Joel admitted, relishing in the slimy, yet grainy feel of the silt between his toes. “What made you suddenly want to hang out?” 

Tommy stood up straight, gazing pensively down into the shallow water before answering, “Truthfully? This is the first time I’ve seen you truly unclench in damn near thirty years.” 

“Unclench?” Joel questioned, cocking his head to the side. 

“Unclench your asscheeks, doofus,” Tommy jested, smirking. 

Suddenly, Joel splashed water at the younger man, a look of feigned disbelief on his face. “I unclench!”, he protested, frowning. 

“Sitting alone on your porch at night singing sad ass songs is not unclenching.” 

“Okay, fine, what would you like me to do to unclench?” 

“Smoke weed more, apparently.” 

“As fun as this is, brother, I don’t see it becoming a part of my routine.” 

“Yeah, well, I wouldn’t want you to turn stupid anyway.” 

Joel stuck his tongue out, causing Tommy to roll his eyes. 

“Just let it all go every once in a while, Joel. You know you’re safe as long as you’re in Jackson.” 

Tommy had said many versions of the same statement to Joel in the past, and he brushed it off every time, disbelieving. 

“How ‘bout we go get that grub now, huh?” offered Joel after a particularly noticeable rumbling of his stomach took him from his thoughts. 

“I was wonderin’ when you’d say that.” 

* * *

“...And that’s how I became the regional championship bull rider of East Arkansas,” announced Seth, his chest puffed up with pride. 

“That’s… that’s great,” faltered Tommy, barely concealing his disinterest. Joel had to physically turn around in his bar stool and laugh noiselessly into his cupped hands, hoping that his shaking shoulders wouldn’t give him away. 

Seth stood there a moment, perplexed at the strange behavior of the two brothers. “...Anyway, I’ll go get started on y’all’s food.” He retreated into the kitchen, leaving the two men to nurse their respective beers. 

“I still don’t like that guy,” said Joel quietly. 

“I know you don’t,” sighed Tommy, lifting his mug towards Joel’s who instinctively met it with his own, a satisfying _clink_ reverberating from their meeting. 

“To your good health, little brother.” 

“Thank you,” Tommy took a long pull from the frothy amber liquid before setting it back down. “Though I reckon you need it more, old timer.” 

Joel just shrugged, looking around at the other people in the bar, feeling nervous. 

“How you feelin’?” 

“Not as intense as before but still… strange, you know? Mostly I’m just ready to eat. I ain’t felt this hungry in years.” 

Tommy chuckled. “Yeah, it’ll do that to ya.” 

“Do what?” came a voice from behind, and when Joel turned, his eyes fell on Maria, looking stern as always but also vaguely amused. 

“Oh, uh, just uh…” Tommy stammered, eyes flicking towards Joel in panic. 

“We were talkin’ ‘bout, uh… fishin’. How it makes you tired. We went fishin’ today.” 

“Yeah, and we just got back and now we’re tired. From fishin',” explained Tommy, smiling conspicuously at Maria, who stared back at him, arms crossed, eyebrow quirked. 

“Uh-huh. Just don’t take too much longer here, alright? We gotta go over some things about the new patrol schedules.” 

“Alright, hun. Love you.” 

Smiling, Maria bent to kiss Tommy on the cheek. “Love you, too.” She then turned to Joel, clasping his shoulder as she spoke. “You keep him straight for me, yeah?”

“Tch. It’s been more like the opposite today.” 

Maria threw her hands up and backed away towards the door. “I don’t even wanna know.” 

When she left, Tommy turned to Joel, shaking his head. “If she finds out about you, Ellie, and Eugene’s stash, it’ll be your ass.” 

Joel threw his hands up. “How would that be _my_ fault?” 

The doors of the kitchen burst open then, and Seth emerged, carrying two plates of food. 

“Here ya go, boys.” 

“Thanks, Seth,” said Tommy, taking his plate. Joel took his with a curt nod. 

The two brothers ate in silence, Joel eating a bit more ravenously than normal. A few minutes in, Tommy turned to Joel and asked, “What are you doin’ tonight?” 

Joel shrugged. “I’m tired. I’d like to watch a movie and lay on the couch.” 

Nodding, Tommy said, “Probably best. You had quite the eventful day.” 

“Sure did,” he agreed. When they were finished, they parted ways, and Joel stil felt like the world around him was shrouded in a haze as he walked down the street toward his house, but it was slowly fading, his sense of self returning to him, the same fears and doubts sinking in again. 

When he walked in the front door of his house, he saw Ellie sitting on the couch in the living room, seemingly waiting for him. 

“What are ya doin’, kiddo? Not hanging out with Dina and Jesse tonight?” 

She shook her head, auburn hair whipping across her cheeks. “No, they wanted, uh… alone time. I thought maybe we could watch a movie together.” 

Joel could tell that there was something off with Ellie. He had planned to spend the rest of the night alone, in relative peace, but instead he simply nodded and moved into the kitchen to make kettle corn. To his surprise, he heard Ellie follow suit, the stool at the kitchen island scraping the linoleum before she took a seat. 

“How’re you feeling?” she asked with a half-hearted smirk. 

“Decent,” replied Joel, turning the stove top on and readying the kettle corn. “My day didn’t turn out half bad. Me n’ Tommy ended up havin’ a good time, actually. What about you? How was your day?” 

“Oh, it was fine,” sighed Ellie, looking down at her hands. 

“Uh-huh. You sure ‘bout that?” 

“Yes, Joel,” she groaned, still not making eye contact with him. 

“Alright, alright.” 

There was a moment of silence in the kitchen where all that could be heard was the sound of kernels popping on the stove. 

“Have any idea what you wanna watch?” 

Ellie shrugged. “Whatever you want, I guess.” 

Joel stared at her in bewilderment. “Okay, there’s definitely something wrong.” 

Irritation flickered across the young girl’s face and she crossed her arms. “I just told you. Nothing’s wrong.” 

“Any time we watch a movie together you always fight me about what you wanna watch because you wanna watch your space movies or Jurassic Park for the 900th time --” A loud sigh and an elongated eye roll cut in between his words. “And I wanna watch Die Hard,” he finished. 

“But you _always_ wanna watch Die Hard.” 

“And you _always_ wanna watch Jurassic Park, or Star Wars, or Alien. But not tonight. And that’s a red flag.” 

Ellie chewed her lip and remained silent at the accusation.   
  


“Now I won’t pry,” Joel began, turning back towards the stove and removing the kettle corn from the burner. “All I gotta say is that if there’s something on your mind --” 

“Oh, so _now_ you want to talk about feelings?” 

He froze, his eyes narrowing at her. “Look, if it’s something to do with me, then just --” 

She held a hand up, stopping him in his tracks. “It’s not about you,” she stated forcefully. With a breath and a pause, her shoulders relaxed and she said, “Let’s just watch the movie, okay?” 

Still perplexed, Joel nodded, pouring the kettle corn into a large bowl before leading them back out into the living room. Wordlessly, he chose her favorite Star Wars movie and sat down on the couch, setting the bowl between them. Through the whole of the film, not a word was uttered between them. Even at the moments where Ellie usually laughed, he noticed she remained stoic, her gaze trained on the screen, and he had to wonder if she was really watching or lost in her own thoughts. It wasn’t until the end that he heard a noise from her general direction on the couch. 

“ _I love you_ ,” declared Princess Leia emphatically. 

“ _I know_ ,” responded Han Solo, and they kissed. 

At that moment, Joel could have sworn he heard something akin to a choked gasp from Ellie, but when he asked if she was okay, she turned completely away from him and insisted that she just had a corn kernel stuck in her throat.

When the credits rolled, Joel grabbed the bowl and rose to take it to the kitchen. 

“Joel?” 

He paused, turning towards Ellie, who looked small and defeated in that moment, her knees drawn up beneath her chin. 

“Yeah, kiddo?” 

She turned her face upward to look him in the eyes, and he saw the tear tracks glistening on her cheeks, glowing neon as the main menu returned to the screen. Joel felt something in his chest move -- a mournful pang, a sympathetic type of sorrow he hadn’t felt since Salt Lake City. 

“Is there something wrong with me?” 

Joel sat back down, returning her gaze. “There is absolutely nothin’ wrong with you. Why would you ask that?” 

Ellie sniffed, looking away. “Remember when you tried to take me to get new guitar strings?”

Joel nodded, unsure where this was going. “Yeah, and we fought that bloater.” 

“Yeah,” she confirmed, her voice wavering. “And you asked me about Dina and Jesse.” 

Sighing deeply, Joel asked in a resigned tone, “Do I have to beat that kid up or somethin’?” 

Ellie chuckled, wiping a stray tear from her cheek. “No, it’s not Jesse’s fault. It’s not even Dina’s fault, really. It’s mine.” 

Frowning, he said nothing, and she continued, “You ever like someone who didn’t like you back? And that someone was your best friend?” 

Shaking his head, he shifted in his seat, turning to face Ellie with his whole body as he began. “Kid, the thing with boys is --” 

“I don’t like Jesse!” Ellie shouted, tearful eyes wide and staring. 

“Then…” Joel’s eyes widened in realization. “Oh.” 

“Yeah,” Ellie snorted humorlessly, putting her head in her hands. “Oh.” 

Joel couldn’t think of the right words to say. He wanted her to know that he understood, that he supported her unconditionally. But Joel had never been the best with his words, much less feelings and emotions. 

“Does it hurt too much to be her friend anymore?” 

Ellie was silent a moment, considering. “It would hurt worse to not be her friend, I think.” 

He nodded, trying to come up with the best advice to give. “Does she…?”

“Like girls? Honestly, I don’t know. Sometimes she acts… sometimes she says things.” 

Joel raised an eyebrow. “Says things?” 

Ellie blushed then, embarrassed. “Yeah, I don’t want to continue down this road with you.” 

Joel chuckled and reached out, planting a firm hand on her shoulder and squeezing it. “That’s alright, kiddo.” 

She gave him a sad, yet appreciative smile in return. “I just don’t know what to do with these feelings. One day I’m fine just being friends and I can handle it, you know? And then other days.... Like today…” she drifted off, unable to vocalize the alternative. “And then Jesse -- I would never want to hurt him, you know?” 

Joel nodded, now fully understanding the gravity of the situation. “That’s tough. It is. And truthfully, I can’t tell you how to feel or what to do. Only you can decide that, when the time comes. All I can say is that when you love -- when you care about someone… you gotta take the good with the bad. Yeah?”

A sniffle in response, then a nod. “Yeah.” 

“It’s gonna be okay, Ellie… I promise. And, uh… I know I don’t say it nearly as much as I should but… I love you. And I’m proud of you.” 

Ellie looked up at him, eyes searching his face for a moment before leaning forward and wrapping her arms around him, her tear-stained face burrowing into his sturdy chest. “Thank you, Joel. I love you, too.” 

He wrapped his arms around her in kind, patting her on the back gently, consolingly. After a beat, they pulled away from each other, and Ellie announced she was heading to bed with a sheepish smile, ducking out the back door to retreat to her makeshift room in the backyard. Before she shut the door, however, Joel stopped her with a “Hey, one more thing.” 

Standing in the doorway, a look of puzzlement on her face, she asked, “What’s that?” 

“Don’t leave me no more messes to clean up, okay? Or brownies, for that matter. Reckon I’ve had my fill of those.” 

With a smirk, she agreed, and they both went to bed feeling exhausted from the day’s excitement. 


End file.
